


9 DELICIOUS WAYS TO USE UP OLD BANANAS

by pearthery



Category: Gintama
Genre: AHAHAHA, Implied Katsura Kotarou/Sakata Gintoki, M/M, do you believe in ginkon i believe in ginkon, gin gets around, it's ginkon time!, oh wait i think there is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25777747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearthery/pseuds/pearthery
Summary: Upon experiencing the revelation that Tae truly does not want anything to do with him, Kondo finds a rebound.
Relationships: Kondo Isao/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 27
Kudos: 43





	1. BANANA CAKE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Official_Biscuit_Moron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Official_Biscuit_Moron/gifts).



> official_biscuit_moron the time has come to be fully cognizant of gintoki's terrible old man romances and even more terrible taste in men

"Shinpachi! Shinpachi! Look!" gasps Kagura, from her spot at the end of the aisle. Her eyes are wide in morbid fascination, and she holds a horrified hand up to cover her mouth. Approximately twelve dozen boxes of sukonbu fall from her lax arms. 

Shinpachi makes his hasty way over. "What's wrong Kagura-chan? Did you see something?" He puts down the grocery basket—behind Kagura's feet, so she can kick anyone who might steal them—and peers over her shoulder. He gasps. 

"It's really horrible, uh-huh," says Kagura in repulsed understanding. "It's really gross, isn't it?"

Shinpachi snaps his jaw shut and rubs at his cheekbones. The ghoulish shock peels away as he tries to compose himself and—picking the groceries back up—he strides quickly away. Kagura follows after him, and they make their swift escape without attracting its notice. Shinpachi shivers anyway.

"What do you think it's doing outside, Kagura-chan?" he whispers. "I thought Aneue took care of it, but it's back! Why's it back? Do you think it's planning something nefarious? Do you think we're in _danger_ , Kagura-chan?"

"I don't know, Pattsuan," she replies solemnly. "But it's not smart enough to plan nefarious things. Anego beat out all of its brain cells when she kicked it into the spiked pit last Saturday. The only dangerous thing is how stupid it is." 

Her voice is calm, but she trembles everywhere except in her arms, because she's carrying approximately eleven dozen boxes of sukonbu. "Gin-chan says that stupidity is contagious," she says, and Shinpachi can tell that she's only just holding back her sobs.

He squares his shoulders and steps closer to Kagura. She meets his determined eyes and takes a deep breath, a long blink. When she opens her eyes, they are dry.

"In that case, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi says bravely. "We shouldn't stay any longer."

"But Gin-chan's pastries!" she argues. "Gin-chan will _die_ if he doesn't get sugar! He was dying last night, uh-huh, and Zura had to come over with ice cream and pancakes at 11pm and nurse him back to health."

Shinpachi squints. "Wait, really? Is that why you slept over last night?" Kagura nods. "That's weird. I can't believe they would just kick you out like that!"

"Huh?" says Kagura. "They didn't kick me out. I'm way stronger than them. I thought you knew that, Pattsuan."

"But why did you have to leave, then? It can't have been too noisy—Gin-san's always been very quiet when he's hurt…"

"They were _really_ noisy last night, Pattsuan. I couldn't sleep at all, so I went to your house instead." 

"That's really weird," says Shinpachi thoughtfully. "Anyway, Kagura-chan, we can't possibly go back." He points at the creature. "Just look at it! It's obviously poisonous! Gin-san will just have to ask Katsura-san to come over again tonight."

Sighing a resigned agreement, Kagura starts walking. She mourns Gintoki's painful, encroaching death, and wipes the tears gently from her eyes. Poor Gin-chan, she thinks.

Behind them, Kondo stands naked in front of the pastry shelves. Poor Gin-chan, Kagura thinks again. Kondo orders a donut. 


	2. ICED BANANA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, gintoki appears, and so does kondo!!!

For three days and three nights, the commander has not returned home. He's been gone awhil—wait, sorry. A correction: the commander has not returned to the Shinsengumi compound. Sorry. Article 34 of the Shinsengumi rule book says not to designate the police compound as home, whether in conversation, in personal reflection, or in textual representations. It's an official decree.

"The vice-chief has a lot of arbitrary rules, don't you think?" says Yamazaki. "He's all—no magazines this, and no badminton that, and 'Yamazaki stop hiding in your room to eat anpan!' this—it's like a dictatorship, right, Saitou?"

"ZZZZZZzzzz": says Saitou's sign.

"Yeah, I'm getting real tired of it as well, y'know! And since the commander's gone missing, he's been real strict on us, like an overbearing mother. It's not healthy for mothers to smother their offspring, you know Saitou, a mother has to let their child grow up and be free eventually."

"Zzz ZZZ zz": says Saitou.

"I know, I know, Hijikata-san's so naggy, it feels like I never left my parents' house." Yamazaki sighs. "Ahh, he keeps calling me when I'm out on patrol. He really doesn't trust me, but I'm not at all like Captain Okita! And he threatens us with seppuku if we don't get ho–back before dark. Saitou, a mother who never lets her child go out to the park in the evening will never see him play in World Championship Badmint—Ah! Vice-chief!"

Hijikata looms, ominously. 

"Saitou," he says. "As you were." 

"z z z," says Saitou, very softly. His wide eyes and fluffy orange head track Yamazaki's trembling form as the vice-chief yanks him to his feet and tugs him away. Straining desperately against Hijikata's iron hold on his ear, Yamazaki tries to communicate a final message: GOING TO BE OKAY, he winces, in morse code. REMEMBER ME, he adds. ANPAN. A final, meaningful flinch. 

ZZZ, Saitou replies solemnly. Behind the vice-chief's knot-ridden back, Yamazaki watches him pull out a set of ink and parchment. Painstakingly, he begins transcribing the tale of Yamazaki's demise. Yamazaki nods in deep and profound gratitude.

The vice-chief takes him outside.

"I didn't actually mean what I was saying, vice-chief, hahaha—you know that right, hahaha! Right! Hahaha, I didn't mean it, hahaha _hahahaha!_ I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't tell me to commit seppuku!"

"Yamazaki." 

From his prostrate position on the ground, Yamazaki looks up. What. 

"Get off the ground, you moron," says the vice-chief, at a normal volume. "I can't deal with this right now."

"Huh," says Yamazaki, also at a normal volume.

"I have been very busy, Yamazaki, I don't have time for this."

"Huh," says Yamazaki, a little louder, with a little more shock. The vice-chief drags a hand down his face.

"I have _so_ many reports to read, and Sougo keeps writing his with ink that smells like _mayonnaise_ , and I have to deal with all _you idiots_ running around recklessly," says Hijikata tiredly, "Old Man Matsudaira wants us to supervise the Shogun's beach party next week—the Joui have been blowing up warehouses near the port— _Kondo-san's been missing for three days_. I am the only one keeping things running. Yamazaki, don't make me tell you again. Get off the _fucking_ ground."

Yamazaki springs off the ground. 

"Finally," sighs Hijikata. From his higher vantage point Yamazaki can see the dark bags shadowing his face, and the furrows in his brow, deeper than they usually are, more unforgiving. Red webs span the whites of his bloodshot eyes. 

"H-have you been sleeping, Hijikata-san?" Yamazaki ventures. 

"What do you think, moron?" he retorts curtly. "I'm still filing that stupid damage report from the dango shop."

Ah. Yamazaki remembers the dango shop. He really doesn't think it was his fault that the shuttlecock happened to fly through the display window. Shuttlecocks do that sometimes. It takes many evening practices to master its directional flow, and Yamazaki simply has not been able to practice as much as he should, and at this rate, he won't ever be able to reach the level of skill required for the World Championship Badmint—alright, fine! Maybe. Maybe he feels a little bad. Maybe he does think it was his fault. Maybe he won't admit it, maybe he's shifting the blame a little bit to the vice-chief, a bit, out of spite, but that's a valid thing for any 32 year old to do!

"Oh," says Yamazaki. "Uh. Do you want me to help, or anything?" He looks at the ground, at the sky, at his hands. He looks at anything other than Hijikata's worn eyes, and thinks about anything other than the sound of his tired voice and the disproportionate weight on his shoulders.

Hijikata takes a deep breath. He seems grateful. It's kind of a pity that gratitude on Hijikata looks a lot like constipation.

"I need you to go look for Kondo-san."

* * *

"I thought he might just be sulking, but I'm really worried now," said the vice-chief. "So I need you to look for him, quietly. We can't let the public know that our commander is missing. We have to keep up pretenses," said the vice-chief. "And knowing him, fucking Sasaki would use it to drag our name into the mud. Stay discreet, Yamazaki. I'm counting on you," said the vice-chief.

Yamazaki thinks the public may already know that the Shinsengumi commander is missing. He thinks fucking Sasaki has probably already drafted up a whole performance essay about the ineptitude of the Shinsengumi and the absolute, sheer moronity of their membership. Yamazaki thinks that there are no pretenses left to uphold. Oh, wait. Actually. There's one last act to dismantle.

"Oi!" shouts the Yorozuya boss. "Oi! Gorilla! Get out of the tree!"

He stands in the middle of the park, at the base of a decently tall banyan. The commander clings to a branch right above him. Fortunately, he is not naked, but his bright pink bootleg SHIKASUGI TANSUKE boxers are likely to be much worse for morale than his free-swinging family jewels would ever be. Though, jewels is kind of a misleading word. They're not really jewels. 

"Commander," says Yamazaki. "Why are you in a tree?" 

"Why am I in a tree, you ask!" howls the commander. "Yamazaki, you idiot! Otae-san… Otae-san wants nothing to do with me!" He sobs grossly into his bare arm. The Yorozuya boss narrowly dodges a dollop of snot as it slides off. 

"He's been in that tree for three days. What kind of government dogs are you?" says the Yorozuya boss. "Why haven't you removed this public nuisance?"

"We haven't really been able to find him," says Yamazaki sheepishly. The other man shakes his head and looks extremely disappointed. 

"You guys really are useless, huh. He's been holding onto that poor donut for three _whole_ days. That's harassment," laments the Yorozuya. "I can't believe you'd just let this injustice continue. Just goes to show that this country has really been consumed by its own corruption, the police can't handle even a minor case of food felony."

"Uh, okay," says Yamazaki. "Do you know why he hasn't eaten the donut?"

The Yorozuya boss slants a look at him. "Jimmy," he says. "Does it matter what kind of harassment it is? A police force should be prepared to deal with any kind, firmly and immediately!"

"It's really not," says Yamazaki. "It's really not harassment. The commander's just dealing with a break-up."

"Well, it's not a break-up, actually, because she wasn't into him at all."

"The commander's just dealing with a rejection."

"Well, it's not really a rejection, either, see, Jimmy-kun, the criteria for a rejection is very specific: you have to give a deeply sincere love confession, and _then_ be rebuffed with the girl's: 'I don't really see you that way, Protagonist-san!' or 'I think of you more as a brother, Protagonist-san!' or 'you're a moron, you know that?' as you watch the girl walk away and find another love, like the ocean, or something. Like in One Park."

"I don't think One Park is an otome game, Boss."

The Yorozuya frowns. "That's because you lack imagination and initiative, Jimmy-kun." 

"Initiative's not my job, Boss." Yamazaki says. He looks up at the tree. "Have you had any luck getting him down?" 

The Yorozuya tucks an arm inside the sleeve of his kimono and sighs. "He's a stubborn guy, that commander of yours. I've been trying to get him down for nights because Kagura-chan's too scared to come to the park. She thinks his stupidity will infect her—have you been spreading rumours?—but he won't get off the tree. Jimmy, do you know how long it took me to get him to wear those pants?"

"You mean the boxers?" asks Yamazaki. 

"Pants, boxers, whatever. MADAO and I yelled at him for two hours, Jimmy. Your boss is a complete moron—I think he has a rash down there now—hey, do you have health insurance?"

The commander's wailing gets a little softer. 

"Uh, no," says Yamazaki. 

"Oh," he says. "Well, forget I said that." The commander's wailing becomes exponentially louder. 

"Anyway," continues the Yorozuya. " I guess it takes a stubborn guy to lead all of you stubborn idiots."

"You're probably right, Boss," says Yamazaki. "I don't know where I'd be without him, you know?"

"Not really. Nothing against you, Jimmy, but I've never been a shitty police officer before."

"Oh, okay then," says Yamazaki. The samurai nods. 

"Though I knew a guy like your commander, once. Hard-headed. Big ol' bleeding heart. Picked me out of the dirt and brushed me off. He was a good guy. You gotta take good care of the good ones, 'cause they take care of you."

"Speaking from experience?" remarks the commander. His eyes are red-rimmed and he is still dripping snot, very grossly, but the spark of curiosity seems to have lit a firecracker of life within him. He clambers awkwardly down the tree and looks at the Yorozuya face-on.

"You learn a lot in ten years," says the man vaguely. He turns to Yamazaki and pats him on the back. "Ten years, and this guy's one of the best I've seen. Take him home, alright, Jimmy?"

Yamazaki nods. Almost immediately, he grabs the commander by the least slimy arm and begins to march him back home, to the Shinsengumi compound.

It's a pretty uncomfortable experience, honestly, even though it's 3 am, because the Kabuki district is full of nightwalkers who stare unabashedly at the commander's bright pink SHIKASUGI TANSUKE boxers. It's also pretty uncomfortable because for once, the commander is quiet. 

Near the end of their journey, and Yamazaki's harrowing night, the commander speaks. 

"A good guy, huh," he grins. "Says one of the best."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is turning out to be a character study aka drabble collection aka ginkon agenda fic aka exercise in dialogue and humour! official_biscuit_moron, i am having SO much fun!!!
> 
> also, i feel so stupid, i didn't realise that the Rich Text option let me edit my work with the little menu thing!!! i thought i had to learn coding!!! i opened so many tabs for this i am,,, i am ashame,,,


	3. BANANA OAT BREAKFAST DONUT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagura and Shinpachi engage in a dynamic conversation with their resident long-haired terrorist, and come to a revelation, except it's not a good one, it's a really gross one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter titles really don't mean anything, i'm just committing to a theme, ahahaha

It's a lovely, lovely day when Shinpachi and Kagura find their resident long-haired terrorist crouching in the alley beside Nakamura's cafe. 

"Good afternoon, Katsura-san," Shinpachi says politely to the huddled lump. It twitches in response, and Katsura's face pops out from beneath the cardboard cover.   
  
"Good afternoon, Shinpachi-kun! Leader!" 

He tosses his head regally and meets their eyes in a very dignified manner, but the effect is rather ruined by the smear of strawberry frosting on his brow as well as the fact that he is curled up in a stinking back-alley . Kagura tilts her head and leans forward eagerly, as if she's viewing a wild animal at the zoo.

"Are you dying, Zura?" she says curiously. "Did Elizabeth not feed you or something? Are you scavenging for food in the dumpsters like vermin?" 

"I'm not Zura," says Zura obligatorily. "I'm Katsura!" 

"If you say so, Zura," hums Kagura. She tucks her hands in front of her lap, rocking on her heels. "Did you like the donut I left out for you last night?" 

Katsura beams. Kagura beams right back. 

"It was magnificent, Leader!" he crows. "Indeed, you have my utmost gratitude for the meal. I should tell you, the past few days have been quite harrowing for the Joui faction, and your act of great kindness was able to nourish me back to full health!" He chortles, and a dollop of strawberry frosting slides down his cheek. With great passion, Katsura continues.

"I'm certain it is the doing of the nefarious Bafuku, Leader! Honestly, I have never thought they would ever swoop so low as to deprive, not only us revolutionaries—but the everyday citizens!—from their sustenance. Using war tactics in peace time... Those wicked bastards… Truly, the Bafuku knows no boundaries, of morality, or of ethics!"

"Actually, Katsura-san," Shinpachi says, gently interrupting Katsura's inflamed declaration. "It's only the cafes that have been bought out, by the Shinsengumi. I'm not sure why, but Yamazaki-san says most of the convenience stores are still pretty well-stocked. We met him yesterday when he was buying anpan." 

"Shinpachi-kun…" Katsura murmurs reverently. "How intelligent of you, Shinpachi-kun! It was incredibly cunning of you to infiltrate the ranks of the government dogs in order to discover their weaknesses! I suppose they never expected I, Katsura Kotaro, Joui rebel, to have such connections—and it truly goes to show that the power of our country is owed to the country's lowest creatures!"

"Sorry," says Shinpachi. "Katsura-san, what did you just call me?"

"My deepest apologies, Shinpachi-kun, Leader," Katsura declares. He rises from his crouch beneath the cardboard lump and tosses his hair back. The strawberry frosting drips down his cheek, like a sweet, sugary tear of gratitude for Shinpachi's marvellous ability to collect valuable intel about the enemy Bafuku. "But I must go now, to the Oedo convenience store! I wish you well on your endeavours today! Ohohohohoho!"

"Katsura-san," says Shinpachi urgently. "Katsura-san, please, d-did you-u-did?—Katsura-san?"

Katsura allows himself a single moment, a pause in his grand mission, in order to nod at them gravely. "Katsura-sa—" Shinpachi tries, one last time, but it is in vain, for Katsura has dashed regally away. A tear, salty and not quite made of melted strawberry frosting, slides down Shinpachi's cheek. 

"Kagura-chan," Shinpachi asks desperately. "Kagura-chan, I-you don't think I'm low, do you?"

"You're the lowest of the low, Pattsuan. I feel gross just talking to you." 

"Kagura-chan, please!" 

"You're really disgusting. Especially on the inside. Even Zura is less disgusting than you, and he was crouching in a dumpster, uh-huh."

"Kagura-chan!" says Shinpachi, anguished.

"Hm." says Kagura. She gives him a look of pity. "I guess you aren't as terrible as the gorilla." 

It doesn't mean very much at all, really, in fact, it is the absolute bare minimum, and it is quite possibly, the worst consolation ever, and it comes with a great deal of baggage, too, as the Oedo convenience store still has not been able to remove all of the gorilla's butt hairs from the cracked tile floor, and no one has been able to enter the building without flinching at least once, and Shinpachi most of all, is so traumatised, he cries himself to sleep every night thinking of the many, many days that his sister has suffered the self-same horror. 

"Thanks Kagura-chan," says Shinpachi, clutching tightly to the only relief that he has been able to receive from Katsura's wounding comment. "Do you think Katsura-san will be okay?"

A strange expression overcomes Kagura's face. 

"We can never know, Pattsuan," she says. "The gorilla is extremely dangerous, uh-huh, but Zura is already so stupid that he can't be infected further."

"Ahh, that's true, that's true."

"Huh? I thought you said I shouldn't call Katsura-san mean things, huh, Pattsuan?" 

Shinpachi pushes his glasses up and turns to look at her. "Kagura-chan. I stopped denying how stupid Katsura-san is when he ate the donut you put on our roof. No one eats donuts off roofs unless they're really a moron." He pauses. "Why'd you put the donut on the roof?" 

"Oh." Kagura halts and her eyes go wide. She shakes her head. "You don't wanna know, Pachi, you really don't wanna know, uh-huh. It's really horrible, uh-huh. I'm getting shivers just thinking about it." 

"You can tell me, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi urges. He leads them to the little stools outside Nakamura's. "I can take it."

Kagura sits down heavily and holds her head. She murmurs something, just under her breath. 

"What was that, Kagura-chan? Can you say it louder, please?" 

"—ri—a—l-ft—t."

"Louder, please."

"—he—g-ril-la—left—t."

"Kagura-chan."

"The gorilla left it!"

Shinpachi's brain shrivels up. "Huh?"

"Pattsuan," Kagura sobs, "Pattsuan—the gorillaleftaboxofdonutsonthebalcony, I could tell because of the butt hairs, and, and Gin-chan was gonna _eat them_ , and DIE, and I couldn't let him _DIE_ , Pattsuan, Gin-chan can't _take_ that much stupidity, he's too old and smelly, and, and, they _even had strawberry ICING_ , PATTSUAN, so I took them and I hid them on the roof, and then Zura ate them, and _the donuts keep showing up_ , so I keep giving them to Zura, and Zura's fine, right, Zura's already really stupid, so he can't get infected, right, Pattsuan, _RIGHT_?!"

"It's okay, Kagura-chan," says Shinpachi numbly. "It's okay, take deep breaths. In, out, in, out. There we go." 

When Kagura gets her breathing back under control and wipes her eyes, Shinpachi looks at her. 

"This is really bad, uh-huh," she says. 

"It really is," Shinpachi nods. "We have to tell Gin-san."

It is easier said than done.


	4. BANANA ALMOND GRANOLA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many people are horrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i no longer know what is happening!!!!

The mission to tell Gin-san (and thereby save him from the inevitable and probably radioactive negative impacts of having a gorilla leave boxes of butthair donuts on your balcony) does not go well, in fact, it might be said that it does not go at all, meaning that there is no opportunity, no opening, no chance for them to even try to tell Gin-san about the newly realised horrors of the situation because, as it turns out—the worst possible turnout, in all honesty, there cannot be a worse outcome, by god—there is no good left within the world, and no hope either, for Gin-san has already been seduced by Kondo-san.

Gin-san had postured, of course, he'd gone and said stuff about how he wasn't so cheap, he wouldn't be bought so easily, what did the Shinsengumi (because Kondo-san brought his posse, for some reason, says Tama after Shinpachi and Kagura finish mourning) think he was, some sort of kept man for hire, huh? If he was to do this and that and this with anyone, it would definitely be Ketsuno Ana, and not some gross police dog who had clung to a tree for three days.

But then Kondo-san had said—and this is told to them by Hedoro-san, who is wearing a pink apron—something about Gin-san having spent three nights comforting him when he was at his lowest point, and even giving him a piece of clothing to warm him from the cold cruelty of love and life, and after this—at this point, Hedoro-san starts speaking with the kind of voice old women use to talk about their grand nieces having crushes—Kondo-san brandished a pair of exclusive SHIKASUGI TANSUKE boxers (the ones that Gin-san had bought at a novelty store and sometimes cried into after he'd been drinking), and had confessed his undying love.

"Gin-chan said no, though," says Kagura. "He said no, right? Gin-chan's a strong, independent loser who doesn't need a man. All he needs is strawberry milk and sometimes for us to tell him he's trying his best—useless, yeah, but trying his best."

"Ah, but Kagura-chan," says Shinpachi hollowly. "They did bring strawberry milk, remember?"

'They' being the Shinsengumi, who everyone had noticed buying out all the pastry shops and bakeries in the area, as well as all of the shelves of strawberry milk in Edo, and Shinpachi thinks now that if they had only noticed sooner, they could have nipped it all in the bud, and then Gin-san wouldn't have been bought off by actual truckloads of sweets and parfaits and ice cream, hell, maybe even chocolate eclairs. And even—Shinpachi thinks in a numb horror—the _donuts_.

"Oh," says Kagura. "Huh."

* * *

The situation is this: Kondo-san is in love with Sakata Gintoki.

For what fucking reason, Hijikata has no idea, because Kondo-san refuses to talk about anything else except this beautiful moment they apparently shared at 3 am (three consecutive nights in a row, so Hijikata is also completely out of the loop on how that counts as a single moment, but it's not really his biggest problem, so he has to set it to the side for now) where the Yorozuya boss quote-unquote "revealed his heart and soul" and then left him without a word, leaving only an article of his own magical garment behind, "like in Cinderella".

The magical article of clothing is a pair of boxers.

"It's the only reason he wasn't fully naked," says Yamazaki when Hijikata quizzes (read: interrogates) him. "That's all I can say, honestly, Vice-chief."

"Kondo-san says that the Yorozuya gave it him," Hijikata presses. "Is this true?"

Yamazaki peers back at him with a sombre expression and nods. He looks like a mayonnaise bottle squeezed completely dry of its contents, and the sorrowful slant to his eyes is so pitiful that Hijikata feels almost sorry.

Feeling almost sorry is not a good feeling, so Hijikata generously sends him away to recover by conducting a relaxing and useful patrol around town. Yamazaki is so thankful that he trembles, and Hijikata rides the high of his good deed all the way to Kondo-san's door.

As soon as he knocks, he finds that he too feels like a mayonnaise bottle squeezed dry, translucent and empty. As if someone had taken their mouth to the tip of him and drained him of his essence, starting first and foremost with his brain.

"Have you ever considered, Tosshi," Kondo-san says when he slides the door open, "how attractive the Yorozuya boss is?"

Hijikata resists the urge to scream. "When I saw him earlier today, Kondo-san, I assure you that I was completely annoyed and disgusted. That damn sleazebag hadn't even showered yet. If you didn't make us bring an assload of free, _undeserved food_ to his literal doorstep, he probably wouldn't even have eaten."

"That rumpled, sleepy look…" says Kondo-san longingly. He is lying on his front and kicking his legs in the air like a fucking teenage girl. "It's so cute, isn't it, Tosshi?"

"No."

"When he looked at me this morning, I could see my birth and death and everything in-between. His eyes bored into my _soul_ , it was like I could see my whole life spread out before me. I'm definitely gonna marry him, Tosshi."

"Kondo-san, please."

"He's so generous, did you know?" sighs Kondo-san. "I feel like he shared his own life force with me that night… that night in the park… and the night before that… and the night before that… and even the day before that, as well…and that one afternoon two weeks ago when I saw him lying on the ground outside the pachinko parlour..."

Hijikata steps back slightly, torn between wanting to throw up, and being impressed at how Kondo-san's inner thoughts are suddenly being projected onto the wall in front of him by the power of his incredible horniness, kind of like a home cinema sort of thing, though it _is_ beat up and looks uncomfortably slimy and probably only exists for ulterior narrative purposes.

Either way, Hijikata now has a front-seat view to the sight of Kondo-san's rose-tinted recollections and strange visions about what it is like to see one's birth and death and in-between and whole life spread out before them within the Yorozuya's dead fish eyes.

"Kondo-san," says Hijikata, about some odd scenario of the Yorozuya welcoming Kondo-san home after work in a frilly pink apron and poisoning his (surprisingly decent-looking) fried rice and immediately afterwards taking his fortune to treat his kids to Korean barbeque, before taking a #wevie (the "we" version of a selfie, Hijikata is pleased to be able to use for once) with his elderly landlady. There's also a scene where he's shaking hands and exchanging money with the Shimura girl, who is smirking. "That looks like you dying at the Yorozuya's hands. This is definitely some sort of inheritance or life insurance fraud plan or something."

"Haha, what are you talking about Tosshi?" says Kondo-san, happily watching his own fantasy funeral. "Hey, what colours do you think his ass hairs are? Do you think they're like, runny egg white, or wet toilet tissue, huh? Do you think he'll let me brush them? Do you think he'll brush mine?"

At this point, Hijikata decides to throw up, _and_ throw himself off a cliff. Sougo is bound to be delighted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's okay tosshi, i also would love to throw myself off a cliff if i kondo ever said that to me

**Author's Note:**

> you know i had to do it to you. also, ginkon is sorely underrated and underutilised, so i have come to spread the agenda!!!
> 
> (anyway, this is an exercise in dialogue and humour! please tell me how it's working out!)


End file.
